Knock knock “Hello?” “Sir, we’re from the FBI and we’d like to talk about some threats you’ve made” “Threats?” “According to your neighbors you’ve been heard talking about ‘blowing up the pentagon’” “Oh that’s just a song I sing to my dog about how much I love her and if she died I’d be so sad that I’d blow up the pentagon” “Can we come in?” “Normally I would say yes but the fact that you do not seem to understand that fundamentally the song is about the love I have for my dog and not me blowing up the pentagon makes me think you should forward all questions to my attorney”

“How would I even blow up the pentagon, you fucking moron? It’s like a three story building that’s miles long. It seems like the single most annoying building to blow up in the entire world. I’m going to what? Place demolition charges throughout the entire thing?”

“I don’t even know where the stupid pentagon is, ok? I mean I’m vaguely aware that it’s near Costco but I don’t know where it is in relation to Costco. And let me point out another thing: even if I did know where it was, I imagine it has a good amount of security.”